Welcome.
 
HomeCalendarFAQSearchMemberlistUsergroupsRegisterLog in

Share | 
 

 Yavriil Yolheim [Jutsu Registration]

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
Yavriil
Hikage
Hikage


Posts : 31
Join date : 2015-05-01

PostSubject: Yavriil Yolheim [Jutsu Registration]   Sat May 02, 2015 10:41 pm


Ninjutsu

Genjutsu
Name:
Canon/Custom:
Rank:
Type:
Element:
Range:
Specialty:
Duration:
Cooldown:
Description:

Other
Name:
Canon/Custom:
Rank:
Type:
Element:
Range:
Specialty:
Duration:
Cooldown:
Description:


Last edited by Yavriil on Tue May 05, 2015 12:04 am; edited 9 times in total
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Karukaya
Jounin (S-Rank)
Jounin (S-Rank)
avatar

Posts : 682
Join date : 2015-03-27

PostSubject: Re: Yavriil Yolheim [Jutsu Registration]   Sun May 03, 2015 1:25 am

A note, since I noticed this on all your jutsu; Type would be Offensive, Defensive, Supplementary, or (very rarely) Collaborative. You do realize that we basically ignore the entire concept of handsigns, so you don't have to mention them. It's not a huge deal, just a bit of information for you.


Quote :
Name: Diinaan Fustir (Frozen Volley)
Canon/Custom: Custom
Rank: D
Type: Support
Element: Hyoton (Ice)
Range: 5 metres (15 feet)
Specialty: Ninjutsu
Duration: 1 post
Cooldown: 2 posts
Description: Using the Tiger, Monkey, and Rooster hand signs, the user generates anywhere between 5 and 15 shards of jagged pieces of ice. At most, they'll give a few scratches here and there, and barely break the first layer of skin. They fire from the palm of the user, shooting 25 metres per second (55mph) across 4 metres before dispersing into the atmosphere. While barely cold and only about an inch in radius, these shards are made of pure ice and easily reflect light.

Need an exact number of projectiles; between 3 and 6, as is the site norm for D-rank projectile creation jutsu. As for the speed, that's a fair bit high for D-rank. Cut that down by at least half and we'll go from there. You have the range as 5 meters, but say they can only travel 4 meters. Which is it?


Quote :
Name: Rokiiz Riik - Whipping Gale
Canon/Custom: Custom
Rank: D
Type: Support
Element: Fuuton
Range: 8 metres (25 feet)
Specialty: Ninjutsu
Duration: N/A
Cooldown: N/A
Description: Whipping Gale works as a sort of extension of Yavriil's hand. Unlike an actual whip, there's little offensive power, but the jutsu is able to extend around 8 metres and latch onto any number of items (up to 10kg) and bring it back to her, or fling it in a specified direction with speeds up to 20 metres per second (45mph). Sustaining this whip over multiple posts constantly siphons chakra, but there is no cooldown. Yavriil must hold the Tiger hand sign to use this Jutsu, and keep it held to continuously to sustain the whip. The hand with the Tiger sign controls the whip. If the hand sign is released, the whip dissipates. Re-materialising the whip is like using the whole jutsu over again, taking the same 10 chakra.

Alright, there's not so much something wrong, as the formatting is wrong. If a jutsu has a multi-post duration that drains chakra constantly, you format the Duration as -x chakra per post. The only time a jutsu won't have a cooldown is if it's a permanent skill/effect. Otherwise, you're required to have a cooldown of at least 1.5x the duration. For a D-rank skill like this, you can get away with Duration + 2 as your cooldown.


Quote :
Name: Kirt Jun - King of the Dry
Canon/Custom: Custom
Rank: B
Type: Defense
Element: Suiton
Range: 20 metre radius (65 feet)
Specialty: Ninjutsu
Duration: 4 posts
Cooldown: 7 posts
Description: All liquid bodies of water in a 20 metre radius around the user is pulled towards them and surrounds them. Anything that enters the water that surrounds the user is incredibly slowed down (1/4 original speed) aside from the user themself. Only initial hand signals are necessary (Dragon, Rabbit, Rooster, Rabbit, Snake, Rat, Snake, Turtle, Dragon, Turtle, Dragon, Rabbit, Turtle, Rabbit in that order). The user must hold their breath while using this technique.

I actually really like this jutsu. The only issue here is that you need to stat the reduction in terms of Stats, since that's the system we've got going here. Because this is B-rank, you can get away with up to 1 full rank of reduction in the SPD and REA stats, which would be the relevant stats for this.


Golkloviik Viirpraan - Polar Coffin is approved.


Quote :
Name: Sot Nahkriin - White Vengeance
Canon/Custom: Custom
Rank: A
Type: Field Effect
Element: Fubukiton
Range: 100 metres radius
Specialty: Ninjutsu
Duration: N/A
Cooldown: 11 posts
Description: The users places their palms on the ground after completing the sequence of hand signs (Rabbit, Turtle, Boar, Turtle, Dragon, Rabbit, Monkey, Ram, Dragon, Ram, Rabbit, Turtle, Dragon, Rabbit, Ram, Turtle, Ram, Boar, Rabbit, Dragon, Ram, Monkey in that order). From their palms outwards, the surface of the ground freezes in a sheet of ice with little friction to offer. In the air, cold winds fill the space and in the sky, dark clouds congregate. Within the span of a mere five seconds, in a one-hundred metre radius from the technique's location of execution a massive blizzard comes into effect. Snow rapidly falls down heavy enough to completely coat the area in white. Those within the blizzard can barely see a foot in front of them while the user is unaffected. Allies are affected by this technique as well. Snow constantly pellets those (besides the user) with several pounds at a time. The sheer cold of the area is enough to freeze water within a single second.

I like the concept, but you need to change a few things. 1) this would require a chakra drain to maintain, OR a massive outpouring of extra chakra upon creation. You're looking at either a -40 chakra per post duration, or an addition 70 chakra to have this maintain itself for a maximum of 6 posts. The cooldown is fine for either scenario. Does this cause any damage, or is it just a general field effect? Can this cause frostbite on it's own?


Yolheim Vensedren: Yun Lein - Yolheim Jutsu: New World will have to have a cooldown. Format the Duration using the information in the description. This is going to take a MASSIVE cooldown, and you're going to be limited to how often you can use this in a single thread. It needs a maximum number of people it can effect at once.

_________________
.


Missions: D - 10 || C - 11 || B - 6 || A - 3 || S - 1 || SS -  
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Yavriil
Hikage
Hikage


Posts : 31
Join date : 2015-05-01

PostSubject: Re: Yavriil Yolheim [Jutsu Registration]   Sun May 03, 2015 1:53 am

I believe I got everything. I kept all the hand signals in the techniques simply for aesthetic explanation, and changed their types accordingly.

Diinaan Fustir (Frozen Volley):
I changed the 4 metre thing back to 5, my bad. As for the speed, there are six-graders out there that can throw a baseball at around 40mph. Most full-grown female adults should be able to exceed 55mph, but I've taken into account the small size of the shards that would naturally cause it to be slower from a lack of mass. I've also stressed that these shards have near zero offensive potential, and kept the projectile count at 15 because of that, since their main purpose is light-reflection. If that's still a problem, I'll go ahead and fix it.

Name: Kirt Jun - King of the Dry:
I specified how slow things go in the water: -1 Full SPD Rank, as you said I could do.

Name: Sot Nahkriin - White Vengeance:
I went with the -70 initial chakra cost. Yes, Frostbite can be induced with prolonged exposure and a lack of resistance to the cold. Other than that, there isn't really much potential for damage; it is a General Field effect, for the most part. Those not from Fubuki suffer a -2 Sub-Rank deduction in REA and -1 Full Rank deduction in SPD.

Yolheim Vensedren: Yun Lein - Yolheim Jutsu: New World:
There is no listed post-numbered Cooldown because the technique can be used only once per thread. I changed the duration thing accordingly, and listed a maximum of 6 people it can simultaneously be used on in a single thread.

I think I got everything.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Karukaya
Jounin (S-Rank)
Jounin (S-Rank)
avatar

Posts : 682
Join date : 2015-03-27

PostSubject: Re: Yavriil Yolheim [Jutsu Registration]   Sun May 03, 2015 2:46 am

Yavriil wrote:
I believe I got everything. I kept all the hand signals in the techniques simply for aesthetic explanation, and changed their types accordingly.

Diinaan Fustir (Frozen Volley):
I changed the 4 metre thing back to 5, my bad. As for the speed, there are six-graders out there that can throw a baseball at around 40mph. Most full-grown female adults should be able to exceed 55mph, but I've taken into account the small size of the shards that would naturally cause it to be slower from a lack of mass. I've also stressed that these shards have near zero offensive potential, and kept the projectile count at 15 because of that, since their main purpose is light-reflection. If that's still a problem, I'll go ahead and fix it.

Name: Kirt Jun - King of the Dry:
I specified how slow things go in the water: -1 Full SPD Rank, as you said I could do.

Name: Sot Nahkriin - White Vengeance:
I went with the -70 initial chakra cost. Yes, Frostbite can be induced with prolonged exposure and a lack of resistance to the cold. Other than that, there isn't really much potential for damage; it is a General Field effect, for the most part. Those not from Fubuki suffer a -2 Sub-Rank deduction in REA and -1 Full Rank deduction in SPD.

Yolheim Vensedren: Yun Lein - Yolheim Jutsu: New World:
There is no listed post-numbered Cooldown because the technique can be used only once per thread. I changed the duration thing accordingly, and listed a maximum of 6 people it can simultaneously be used on in a single thread.

I think I got everything.

Alright, this fixes pretty much everything. With White Vengeance, I just need you to put in a time frame to expect frostbite to set in, and it's good to go. The rest are approved.

_________________
.


Missions: D - 10 || C - 11 || B - 6 || A - 3 || S - 1 || SS -  
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Yavriil
Hikage
Hikage


Posts : 31
Join date : 2015-05-01

PostSubject: Re: Yavriil Yolheim [Jutsu Registration]   Sun May 03, 2015 11:04 am

Added the post timer til frostbite sets in. 3 posts normally, and 2 posts for those from Hinowa (since they seem to have an inherit weakness to ice/blizzard techniques).
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Karukaya
Jounin (S-Rank)
Jounin (S-Rank)
avatar

Posts : 682
Join date : 2015-03-27

PostSubject: Re: Yavriil Yolheim [Jutsu Registration]   Sun May 03, 2015 5:51 pm

That's perfectly fine. White Vengeance is approved.

_________________
.


Missions: D - 10 || C - 11 || B - 6 || A - 3 || S - 1 || SS -  
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Kaito
Joutenkage
Joutenkage
avatar

Posts : 22
Join date : 2014-10-02

PostSubject: Re: Yavriil Yolheim [Jutsu Registration]   Mon May 04, 2015 11:51 pm

Frozen Apparition A few things that can be fixed by looking at the Shadow Clone jutsu (which I will post here). The duration and cooldown need to be changed to match what the shadow clones do and you must also state that if the clone is destroyed you lose the chakra that you had put into it. I would recommend reading through the shadow clone jutsu and editing according to how that is put together~

Shadow Clone Jutsu:
 

Edit and bump and I'll look again.

_________________
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Yavriil
Hikage
Hikage


Posts : 31
Join date : 2015-05-01

PostSubject: Re: Yavriil Yolheim [Jutsu Registration]   Tue May 05, 2015 12:00 am

I just went ahead and took the actual Shadow Clone Jutsu itself instead.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Kaito
Joutenkage
Joutenkage
avatar

Posts : 22
Join date : 2014-10-02

PostSubject: Re: Yavriil Yolheim [Jutsu Registration]   Tue May 05, 2015 12:02 am

Haha sorry, I thought I posted it in the spoiler but I guess it didn't copy

Shadow Clone Jutsu is Approved!~

_________________
Back to top Go down
View user profile
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Yavriil Yolheim [Jutsu Registration]   

Back to top Go down
 
Yavriil Yolheim [Jutsu Registration]
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Takeshi's jutsu registration
» Ai Tsukino (Jutsu Registration)
» Yukine Kishou [Jutsu Registration]
» Ugatta Kai's [Jutsu Registration]
» Yavriil Yolheim - Hikage [FINISHED]

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Naruto RPG: Ballad of the Ninja :: Creation Scroll :: Jutsu-
Jump to: